When Communicating Turns Into Chaos: Spotting Narcissistic Behaviour

Let’s get real. Healthy communication isn’t about drama - it’s about listening, accountability, and respect.

But what happens when you try to talk calmly, set a boundary, or share how you feel… and you’re met with aggression, defensiveness, gaslighting, or manipulation? Spoiler: that’s not a breakdown in communication. That’s a pattern, and it’s worth noticing.

Sometimes, that pattern points to a narcissist.

When talking feels like walking on eggshells

You say something reasonable. They react aggressively.
Instead of listening, you get:

• Defensiveness on steroids

• Raised voices or snappy remarks

• Accusations instead of answers

• A total refusal to even hear your perspective

Suddenly, it’s not about the issue - it’s about managing their chaos. You’re left confused, drained, and wondering how expressing yourself became a fight.

That’s not communication. That’s control disguised as conflict.

Gaslighting: when your reality gets stolen

Classic gaslighting lines include:

• “That never happened.”

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “You’re remembering it wrong.”

• “You’re twisting my words.”

Over time, it erodes your confidence. You start over-explaining. You apologise for stuff you didn’t do. You doubt your memory, your emotions, even yourself.

And yes - it’s deliberate.

DARVO: the nasty little acronym

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

It looks like this:

• “I didn’t do that.”

• “Why are you attacking me?”
  

• “You’re only saying that because you know you’re coming across badly.”

Here’s the truth: when they respond like this, it’s gaslighting + projection + blame-shifting. Your experience doesn’t matter. You’re expected to empathise with someone who refuses accountability.

That’s not a conversation. That’s manipulation.

“You aren’t as kind as you make out you are”

This gem pops up when you’re honest and blunt - when you finally stop softening your words to protect their feelings.

Instead of addressing what you said, they attack who you are. Your honesty? Cruel. Your boundaries? Aggression. Your clarity? Character flaw.

Kindness does not mean silence. Honesty is not aggression. And direct communication is not unkind.

If they only see you as “kind” when you’re compliant… spoiler alert: they’re not asking for kindness. They’re asking for submission.

Giving space doesn’t always work

If you say,
“Take a few days to cool off so neither of us says something we regret,”

and they come back with more abuse, manipulation, or narrative-twisting, guess what? They’re not coming from a place of understanding - they’re coming for the fight.

These people will always bring chaos. No matter the issue, there will always be a problem. And it will never be their fault - it’ll be yours, or someone else’s.

The mask slips eventually

The charm, empathy, and “I get you” mask can’t last forever. Usually within 3–4 months, the red flags appear. Inconsistency, defensiveness, subtle cruelty, boundary-pushing, blame-shifting… all the signs.

Don’t ignore them. Your sanity might depend on noticing.

“I’m just standing up for myself”

Ah yes, the classic line. Usually said in scenarios they created. They call it “standing up for themselves,” but what they mean is defending behaviour they manufactured.

True self-advocacy doesn’t require:

• Attacking someone else

• Dismissing their feelings

• Rewriting events to look justified

If someone can only “stand up for themselves” by hurting or manipulating you, that’s not strength - it’s control and weakness. 

And here’s the kicker: you show them proof of their behaviour - clear examples, receipts, moments where accountability would end the issue if they just said, “Yeah, you’re right. I dropped the ball.” But instead? They hit you with: “I’m not explaining myself anymore.”

That’s not just stubbornness. That’s stonewalling - refusing to engage or take responsibility in order to control the narrative. It’s avoidance - dodging accountability to avoid discomfort. And often, it’s paired with power play - making you chase answers while they stay untouchable.

In short: they’re not interested in resolution. They’re interested in control, chaos, and keeping you off balance. And recognising that is your first step to refusing to play the game.

The bottom line

Healthy people don’t punish you for communicating. They don’t need you to shrink. They don’t turn honesty into a weapon.

Clarity isn’t cruel.
Boundaries aren’t an attack.
You don’t owe anyone access at the cost of your peace.

Sometimes, recognising the pattern is the first step to finally choosing yourself.