The Tell‑Tale Signs You’re Being Used (in Business and Life) When You’re ADHD / Autistic

Content note: Mild swearing, straight talk, and neurodivergent honesty ahead. If you prefer your advice sugar‑coated, pop the kettle on and come back later.

Hi, I’m Sam - founder of Dope Soul Village, mum of three, wrangler of four fur babies, and a proudly neurodivergent woman (ADHD + Autism) who has learned the hard way that not everyone who says “collaboration” means collaboration. Some mean “please hand over your brain, your community, and your fundraising magic while I have a little lie‑down.”

Recently I walked away from a failed collaboration in the charity/event space. I’d raised money, brought energy, done the heavy lifting, asked basic questions about finances, follow‑through & accountability… and was met with silence, excuses, and the classic turn‑the-tables manoeuvre: when I expressed I was upset and felt ignored and pushed out. I was told I was “a bully” and that I “scream.” in a text, because god knows that woman was silence in every "meeting" she attended.
(Heard that before? Yeah. That’s usually what a narcissistic twat throws out when they can’t handle accountability. It’s a blame‑flip: your reaction becomes the problem, not their behaviour.)

If any of this is ringing bells, keep reading. I’m going to break down the red flags that you’re being used - at work, in partnerships, in charity spaces, and even in so‑called friendships - especially when you have an ADHD or autistic brain that tends to assume people mean what they say.

Why Neurodivergent Brains Can Be Targeted (Strengths That Get Twisted)

Let’s be clear: being ADHD or autistic is not a weakness. It comes with phenomenal strengths - pattern recognition, loyalty, honesty, hyperfocus, creative problem‑solving, and the ability to spot an integrity wobble at 50 paces. The problem is that people who want to use others often know how to lean on those strengths until they crack.

Here are a few ways the neurodivergent wiring that makes us brilliant can also make us vulnerable in the wrong hands:

What the research says

• Autistic adults report higher rates of negative life events — including financial exploitation and domestic abuse - than non‑autistic adults, according to the 2019 Autism Research paper that developed the Vulnerability Experiences Quotient (VEQ). The authors highlighted the need for better support and advocacy because so many participants had been tricked or pressured into giving money or resources.

• Diminished lie‑detection ability was observed in autistic participants in research led by Professor David Williams (University of Kent, 2018). The takeaway wasn’t that autistic people are naïve - it’s that differences in reading social deception can increase risk in certain contexts.

• Alexithymia (difficulty identifying and describing emotions) affects an estimated 40 - 70% of autistic people in some research summaries. When you can’t easily map feelings to what’s happening in the room, bad actors can push boundaries before you consciously clock the discomfort.

• ADHD & toxic relationships: Consumer health writers summarising multiple studies (including meta‑analyses linking ADHD and childhood maltreatment) note that people with ADHD may be more vulnerable to high‑intensity, high‑drama relationships - the same pattern that abusers and manipulators exploit with love‑bombing, gaslighting, and intermittent reinforcement.

• Porous boundaries in ADHD are a known risk factor for being over‑extended, exploited, or emotionally drained; guidance for ADHD couples explicitly warns that difficulty saying “no” can lead to manipulation or abuse.

Bottom line: neurodivergent traits + mission passion + unclear structures = a playground for users.

Red Flags You’re Being Used in Business / Charity Collabs

1. Titles Without Teeth

You’re called “co‑founder,” “partner,” “director,” or “ambassador,” but there’s no signed agreement, no voting rights, and no access to accounts. If you can’t see the numbers, you’re not a partner - you’re a poster child.

2. Financial Fog (a.k.a. The Freudian Slip)

In the UK, charities & legal structures have legal duties around financial record‑keeping, reporting, and honest fundraising disclosures. If financial data only appears after someone slips up - or you catch it in a document that wasn’t meant for you - take that seriously. No matter what the excuse is or if its a "unfounded debt" Trustees/Directors  are legally responsible for ensuring funds are used properly and must be able to show where money has gone. If you’re being asked to raise funds without sight of the books, walk.

3. Meetings > Movement

Three‑hour meetings to “strategise” followed by zero delivery. Endless “updates” that never include decisions, budgets, timelines or who’s accountable. This is smokescreen management. It'll als make your brain explode.

4. Excuses on Loop

“My dog chewed the carpet.” “I was exhausted.” “We’re just a small team.” Meanwhile you’re working 15–16 hour days covering five roles. Chronic excuse‑makers will happily burn out a competent neurodivergent doer.

5. Emotional Boomerang: You Raise a Concern, You Become the Problem

You ask, “What Jobs have been finished?” or "I'm leaving this collab isn't working due to xyz" and suddenly you’re “negative,” “dramatic,” “aggressive,” or (my personal favourite) “a bully who screams.” Classic deflection, classic gaslighting. The goal is to make you doubt your perception so you stop asking questions.

6. Credit Drift

Funds raised? Attributed to “the organisation.” Your contacts? “Our network.” Your intellectual property? Folded into grant applications without attribution. Nip it early: insist on written crediting terms.

7. Burnout Treated as Commitment

In the charity/Social community sector, burnout has been flagged as a major risk in current wellbeing surveys and fundraising research. When overwork is normalised, people who can go hard (hello, ADHD hyperfocus) get pushed past safe limits - and are then blamed when they crash.

Red Flags in Personal Life (Because Users Don’t Just Wear Badges)

• You only hear from them when they need something.

• Your “no” gets negotiated, minimised or guilt‑tripped.

• They mock your sensory needs or routines. (“Oh come on, it’s just noise/light/texture.”)

• They re‑tell events with your reactions exaggerated and their behaviour erased.

• They triangulate: “Everyone thinks you’re overreacting.” (Translation: I’m deflecting.)

• Love‑bomb → withdraw → love‑bomb cycle. Feels like a dopamine roller‑coaster? That’s because it is - and the ADHD brain is wired to chase highs.

Story Time: The Failed Collaboration That Taught Me (Again) To Trust My Gut

I went into a collaboration partnership excited to build something meaningful for women. I brought my community, my skills, my brand credibility, and my willingness to graft.

What I got: delays, blanks on finances, broken promises, and a work split that looked like me: 90% / everyone else: 10% - with no work done on the list we curated for 3 hours, in yet again a total pointless meeting, with gotta do now, alarm bells, asap kinda list, because "we have our own to do lists to do"

When I finally said, “I feel ignored. This isn’t the partnership I was promised,” I was told I was a bully. Right. Because asking where donor money went is bullying now? Pull the other one. That kind of language is textbook behaviour from people who can’t (or won’t) take accountability.

I walked. And within an hour of telling my community, messages came flooding in: offers to build something new together, incoming donations, meetings booked. That told me everything I needed to know about where the trust actually lives.

“Girls’ Girl” Myth‑Busting: Internalised Patriarchy Is Alive & Kicking

I love women. I am building for women. But let’s be honest: women can replicate the worst bits of patriarchy too.

I never imagined the charity world could be so… bitchy. (Said it.) Territorial cliques, power hoarding, jealousy over new talent - I’ve seen staff bristle because a “new hire” hits results their internal teams haven’t touched in years. Instead of asking how did you do that? they’ll isolate, undermine, or rewrite credit.

Be careful, girls. Some women will say exactly what they need to say to get your playbook - your donor list, your systems, your supplier rates, your expertise - then edge you out. Protect your IP like you would your bank PIN.

Practical Protections: Boundaries, Paperwork, Receipts

1. Put It In Writing (Always)

Scope, roles, who owns what, who can speak for the project, how funds flow, reporting cycles. No doc? No deal.

2. Access to Accounts or No Fundraising

If your name, brand, or community is being used to raise funds, you (or a trusted third party) need sight of where that money lands and how it’s used. UK charity rules require trustees to manage funds responsibly and be transparent. If you’re stonewalled, step back.

3. Use Simple Boundary Scripts

• “I can’t take that on without dropping something already agreed. What do you want me to de‑prioritise?”

• “Send me the figures and we’ll schedule time once I’ve reviewed them.”

• “I’m not comfortable fundraising under my brand unless I have written confirmation of where the money goes.”

4. Watch the Emotional Ledger

Are you consistently leaving interactions drained, anxious, confused or second‑guessing yourself? Track it. Data is power.

5. Share Intel With Trusted Allies

Neurodivergent brains sometimes spot patterns before we can linguistically explain them. Tell a trusted friend: “Something’s off; here’s what I’m seeing.” They can help reality‑check gaslighting. 

6. Cap Your Labour

Set max weekly hours. If you blow the cap, invoice or re‑scope. Over‑functioning hides structural failure.

Quick Self‑Check: Am I Being Used?

Tick what applies. If you hit 5+, it’s time to pause.

• My role sounds senior but I have zero decision power.

• I’m fundraising without seeing bank statements or reports.

• Concerns about money/process get side‑stepped or personal.

• I’m working far longer hours than anyone else involved.

• I’ve been called negative / difficult / aggressive after raising governance questions.

• Promises are abundant; delivery is scarce.

• Credit for my work drifts to “the organisation.”

• I feel guilty saying no.

• I don’t have a written agreement.

• I’m exhausted and ill but still “can’t step back.”

When Someone Calls You a Bully for Asking Fair Questions

Check the context:

• Did you raise a factual issue (money, safeguarding, workload)?

• Did they answer the issue — or attack your tone?

• Are they re‑labelling assertiveness as aggression?

• Are they re‑telling events with your reaction magnified and their behaviour minimised?

Reality re‑set script:

“I’m asking about the promise to perform and get cracking. That’s a governance question, not bullying. Please respond to the question.”

If they persist, move the conversation to email, summarise the exchange, and document. Paper trails save reputations.

If You Need to Exit

1. Freeze further commitments. “I’m pausing new activity until we’ve resolved outstanding governance questions.”

2. Request a final financial statement covering funds raised under your name/brand.

3. Communicate clearly to your community: “I’m no longer involved. Any future fundraising under my name is unauthorised.”

4. Redirect goodwill: Offer vetted alternatives your community can support.

5. Look after your health. Burnout and stress‑related illness are rife in the charity sector; you’re not weak for needing rest.

Building Safer, Cleaner Collabs Going Forward

Here’s what I’m doing now - steal the list:

• Written MOUs before launch.

• Shared drive access to budgets, cashflow, donor reports - (if they refuse to give you access, they are hiding something)

• Named safeguarding + finance leads.

• Boundaried hours + wellbeing check‑ins baked into the timeline.

• Pre‑agreed comms plan: who speaks publicly, how credit is shared.

• Exit clauses (because sometimes you should walk).

Final Word

If your gut is screaming, listen. Neurodivergent pattern recognition is a gift - even when everyone around you is saying “it’s fine.” It usually isn’t.

You deserve partnerships that respect your time, intellect, community, and values. You deserve friends who don’t weaponize your honesty. You deserve to raise money for causes you believe in without being used.

And if someone calls you a bully for asking where the commitment went? That’s your sign.

With love (and fire),

Sam
Founder | Dope Soul Village