How to Spot the Red Flags Early: A Guide for Women to Avoid Toxic Relationships

Relationships are a big part of life, but not every partner will treat you with the respect, love, and independence you deserve. Let’s face it—some men will "love" you while quietly expecting you to play the role of carer, supporter, or even personal chef. And some of them might be more interested in what you can do for them than in who you really are. So here’s a playful (but serious) guide to spotting those red flags and keeping yourself in the driver’s seat of your life, career, and ambitions.

One of the best ways to avoid a toxic or abusive relationship is to keep yourself at the centre of your life. Yes, romance is fun, and a loving relationship is wonderful, but you should never feel that you’re defined by the man you’re dating. A healthy relationship adds to your life rather than taking over it.

- If he’s asking you why you “still need to see your friends” after you’re together, or if he doesn’t understand why you have to focus on your career goals, remember: someone who loves you will want you to be happy on your terms.

- “Why do you need to go out with them? I thought I was your best friend!” Spoiler: he’s not, and he definitely doesn’t understand the joy of your girls’ night out at Nando’s.

In the UK, around 45% of women experience some form of economic abuse from their partner. This often starts subtly, like suggesting you take a lower-stress job to “be home more” or criticising your dreams because he doesn’t think it’s practical. Keep in mind, if he’s asking you to dim your light so he can feel more comfortable, he’s already showing he’s not on your team.

- He starts with, “Why do you need to work so hard?” and follows up with, “I could support us both if you’d just stay home and relax.” Translation: he wants the control that comes with you relying on him.

- “I just don’t think you need that extra degree. My mate Steve got a job at his dad’s company, and he’s doing fine.” Yes, because Steve is his life goal.

A key red flag is a man who belittles your hobbies or ambitions. Maybe he “jokes” about your passion for fitness, your love of books, or the fact you spend time organising charity events. It’s not cute or funny—he’s subtly undermining what makes you, *you*. And if he can’t appreciate your unique qualities, he’s probably more interested in moulding you into someone who fits his needs.

- If he says, “I just don’t get why you spend so much time on [insert any passion]” or laughs when you talk about your goals, it’s his way of saying he doesn’t value them.

- “You’re reading *another* book? What, are you trying to be Hermione Granger?” Yep, if only he had half her brain.

A lot of women end up in relationships where they’re the emotional caretakers. They’re the ones organising everything, from booking holidays to making sure his doctor’s appointments are scheduled. And yet, if he never reciprocates or thinks these things just “magically” happen, it’s a good sign he’s taking advantage of your time and energy. Healthy relationships are partnerships, not one-sided jobs.

- He expects you to “sort things out” because “you’re better at it.” If he can’t be bothered to put in equal effort, he’s not looking for a partner—he’s looking for a personal assistant.

- “Can you just take care of it? I’ve never been good at remembering my family’s birthdays.” Ah, the grown man who suddenly forgets his own mother’s birthday when he has a girlfriend.

Women are often socialised to question their own instincts. But trust me, if something feels off, it probably is. If he gets defensive, dismissive, or angry when you express concerns, he’s trying to control the narrative. If he says things like, “You’re being dramatic” or “Don’t be so sensitive,” he’s dismissing your feelings to avoid accountability.

- He laughs off your concerns as if they’re insignificant, or he says, “You’re just reading too much into it.” This is classic gaslighting, and it’s a serious warning sign.

- “You’re acting like my last girlfriend!” Ah, the comparison to an ex, intended to make you second-guess yourself and think, *Maybe I am overreacting.* Spoiler alert: you’re not.

While it might feel wonderful to have someone swoop in to “take care” of you, beware of men who quickly step into a “protector” role. This isn’t always about care—sometimes it’s about control. They might say things like, “Don’t worry, I’ll handle that” or “You don’t need to think about money; I’ll take care of it.” Independence is attractive; don’t let him convince you otherwise.

- If he seems overly keen on “protecting” you or “looking after” your needs while gradually making it harder for you to do things independently, it’s a slippery slope.

- “Why would you pay for dinner when I’m here?” or “You shouldn’t be lifting that heavy suitcase!” If he’s not so much helping as he is micromanaging, he’s angling for control, not support.

Ultimately, the best way to avoid a toxic relationship is to be fiercely committed to your independence. Pursue your goals, stay close to your friends, and build a life that you love—with or without a partner. A man who genuinely cares about you will celebrate this independence, not stifle it. He won’t want to keep you from achieving your dreams or ask you to put your life on hold for his comfort.

So, keep your radar up, trust your instincts, and don’t be afraid to walk away from anyone who doesn’t appreciate the whole, unstoppable package that you are. Because here’s the truth: a good partner will never ask you to choose between him and your dreams. If he does, show him the door.