Domestic Violence, Men, and the Never-Ending “Not All Men” Circus

Right, let’s get one thing straight before the usual suspects start typing their “not all men” hot takes: yes, some men do get abused. Fine. Cool. We’re not denying that. But if you can’t see how domestic violence overwhelmingly affects women, then you’re either wilfully blind or you really enjoy wasting everyone’s bloody time.

Every time we try to talk about women fleeing abuse, what do we get? The classic “But men get abused too!” or the downright bizarre “Can men come to your women’s shelter?” Honestly, mate, no. That’s not how this works. Women’s shelters exist because women are the ones predominantly targeted in this violent nightmare. It’s not some exclusive club to shut men out for fun- t’s a lifeline for those escaping danger.

And then there’s that other gem: “Not all men!” Like anyone ever said all men were abusers. But thanks for the unsolicited lecture, Captain Deflection. This phrase is just a childish defence mechanism, a knee-jerk reaction that recentres men in a conversation that’s literally about women being terrorised in their own homes. It’s narcissistic, really: “Hey, look at me! Don’t talk about women’s pain until you talk about my fragile male ego!”

Now, let’s psychoanalyse this for a sec. Why this obsession with centring men? It’s about control. It’s about diverting attention away from uncomfortable truths. It’s about gaslighting entire conversations to make sure men remain the protagonists of every story- even when they’re the perpetrators.

And don’t get me started on the “women being jealous of men’s vulnerability” nonsense. Some women do buy into this crap, sometimes because they’ve been conditioned to compete with men even in trauma. Others, honestly, just want to score points in the patriarchal game by being “fair” or “balanced.” But the truth is, this only dilutes the focus on the very real and systemic violence women face daily.

Here’s a reality check: Women’s shelters, programmes, and support systems exist to protect women - end of. If you want to talk about abuse against men, brilliant. Start your own shelters, your own campaigns, your own safe spaces. But don’t hijack ours.

So, next time you feel the urge to type “not all men” or ask “can men come to the women’s shelter?”, maybe pause and ask yourself: Are you genuinely concerned? Or just trying to derail a conversation that makes you uncomfortable? Because if it’s the latter, thanks but no thanks. We have enough to deal with without having to babysit your ego.